I like to talk. I listen, usually fairly well, sometimes with great difficulty. I share my thoughts and opinions, and I even comment in a political vein, which is funny since I hate politics on any level: personal, interpersonal, community state and national! and I am not particularly well informed. But I still find myself opinionated. I love many things, many people, many animals, and many places, and I like to promote kindness, thoughtfulness, empathy, patience, tolerance, and fun. I get sentimental, bawdy, silly, bothersome, sad, and of course, Judgemental.
I don't think I'm a great scholar, a great thinker, or a great humanitarian. I just like to talk, and sometimes to listen.
If ya wanna, join me, if ya don't like what I have to say, who I am or what I support, that is OK, as long as you can respectfully share your opinion. I rabble rouse, but I hate conflict, at least conflict in myself. I am fiercely loyal to people who are no longer speaking to me, and I am disgusted with people who used to be close friends - not you! a different person who used to be a close friend! I am also super-sensitive, and yet I have a toughened shell.
I have been naive, idealistic, I have been crushed and hurt and abused, misrepresented, lied to, stolen from, teased, and whatever else happens in a lifetime. Sometimes people think I am dumb, or gullible, or strangely vacuous, while others are occasionally surprised at my leaps of reason, flashes of inspiration, and my memory - fickle as it is, sometimes it is quite sharp! But not often enough to put any money down on it!
I am bitter and sometimes devoid of emotion, depression is a frequent companion, and yet, my inner self is a happy person. I love people, just about any kind of person. I can make a good first impression, and I can drive people to distraction - not in a good way. I can be completely overlooked, underestimated, or given more than I think I can take.
I pop off with stupid things, I can be completely oblivious to my impact on others, or totally in tune to the point of spooky! So I don't promise a coherent and logical blog, I don't promise a totally happy account of only the happy things in my life, and I do not intend to whine and cry - at least not all the time.
Of the significant losses in my life, I regret and fret about the ones where I have lost living people; ones whom I love, and yet have alienated beyond the effort it would take, well past the pain and acceptance needed, to a place of deep and dark loss, a churning and sick and and worrisome place where forgiveness of myself is unthinkable. Negative Self Talk, Self-denigration, and shame are the lullabies there. Now with overtones of that bitterness, anger, and the coup De grace, Self Righteous Indignation! ERG! Time to let that go!
My other significant losses involve untimely deaths, and incomprehensible 'lacks' in my growing up or my life in general. Even so, we tried to dye a rock, we ran away with peanut butter and a loaf of bread, we sang in our neighborhood talent shows, ages from 8 months to 6 years old... And I miss those days of dirt forts on the vacant lot a few streets over, the snow forts across the street, the sleds, the forsythia, the cold feet, runny nose, and crystal clear air searing my lungs with aliveness! Penny candy, shared Popsicles, rock candy and Grampa's lemon drops. It certainly was not all bad, and we had many family friends who had lake cabins, tickets places, and sympathy for us mother less kids.
I was afraid a lot, felt out of place, insecure, vulnerable, but I knew who I loved and who loved me. Pretty much anyway.
I am trying to get the hang of this ageing thing, and I find my awareness's and acceptance lag behind the need to accommodate change and this getting older stuff. I really thought I wanted to live to be 100, but now, not so sure. I fear for my future, where I will be, who will be in my life, who will help me... who will talk with me and maybe read to me and sometimes share a meal with me?
So aside from all that unfortunate stuff: Welcome, and lets have some fun here, maybe disproportionately. Fun, funny, irreverent, irrelevant, and yes, even silly!
Mags
